Last week the palliative nurse came. She hadn’t seen me for three months. She was impressed with how well I was looking. I was delighted. Then I saw dentist and he was struck by how good my gums were. Delighted again! You know I have great care. Nat ‘s healing hands massaging and stretching out my muscles, Jenny’s lovely cooking, Ana’s sense of fun, Laura’s breakfasts, and the amazing home-helps who get me up showered and dressed on a daily basis. Without my team of outside helpers as the theme tune for ‘Scrubs’ goes ‘i can’t do this all on my own, I’m no superman ‘. Same goes for me. [did I mention how much I enjoy Scrubs? Get a daily dose on Netflix! ]
Of course I must mention the support I get from family and friends. I was telling Jay recently how I feel carried by the thoughts and prayers of other people. Home life has improved dramatically too recently. Something has moved or shifted in me (hence: “Shape Shifting Emma”) recently that has me in a much better place thank God. I can feel a sense of deep peace and a sense of happiness unlike anything before. It must have something to do with listening to the wonderful and truly inspirational Thich Nhat Hanh every morning. Listening to his voice calms me, his words inspire me. This Buddhist monk from Vietnam has played a major part in my spiritual life now for over a decade. His message is all about living mindfully in the present moment. This message is very helpful to me especially in my present state of health. I give thanks for each new morning that arises and try to spread it into every moment of every day. I love my husband and kids more than ever as I have the strength to look outside my own pain and feel compassion and love. I can see what an amazing job Jay is doing as opposed to critisising his every move. I see him loading the dishwasher and washing machine of a Sunday! And getting kids ready for a party in clothes I wouldn’t have chosen. I have learnt that these small things don’t really matter in the greater picture. Stepping back and not allowing myself to get irritated by his actions has been hugely rewarding. Can’t help thinking of that deeply wise phrase that my mum has been saying for years ‘let go and let god’.
To finish another fabulous quote from cousin Nickey: ‘the truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off.’ Gloria Steinem. Love it and know it so well!
Sunday 21st 2012