Went to hear Declan O’Rourke sing on Friday night two weeks ago in the Spaniard pub/venue again. My soul needed soothing as I’ve been feeling devastatingly low recently and his music put my sparkle back. I’m aware that I live in constant discomfort of some kind, be It physical or spiritual. Ease comes only when I’m sleeping. The news about Thich Nhat Hahn upset me. He’s in hospital with a brain haemorrhage. It’s so unfortunate for him and his community but perhaps they have another wiser take on it.
Declan sang his heart out for us with an acoustic guitar. One woman standing behind me decided to sing along too. Annoying and drunk she ruined some of my favourite songs including Galileo and Time Machine screeching out her version! Sadly for me, I wasn’t able to turn around and throw her a filthy look, it’s physically impossible. Poor Lucy admitted defeat saying, “there’s no way I’m taking her on! “. She’s right too and I wasn’t in the position to attempt to start spelling out, “throw her a dirty look for me! “.
Uplifted and revived by the musical experience overall we made our way home under a star filled sky echoing the pleasure I felt inside. Jonnie and I stayed up till two in the morning chatting about how we could adapt or change the relentless routine I live under. The very non – spontaneous regime that’s crushing my spirit. It felt so good to be talking about it. The following morning we went for a walk around our neighbourhood after my shower instead of going back to lie on my bed. Simple changes to make huge differences! I haven’t looked back since and my sparkle ‘s still here a week later! I remember being in a similar situation some years back living and working in Cork. Life appeared so dull and uninteresting. Reading something from one of John O’Donohue’s books really helped me. It was something about finding ways of seeing usual things differently. I remember walking a different way to work afterwards and cooking different foods.
I’m so pleased to feel well again. I love December! We went out again Friday night even after a shopping trip to Wilton. My precious energy is flowing thankfully.
Unable to eat hard foods I’m eating a lot of soup. Lucy kindly cooked a recipe she found involving minced lamb and fresh plump vine tomatoes. Absolutely delicious.
Martha has been busy with the kids making Christmas decorations. I love our front door!
I was taken by ambulance Tuesday afternoon to Cork University Hospital with a heart racing at one hundred and seventy. That was before I was wheeled onto it. It has stayed normal between seventy and one hundred since then.
I’d been awake since half seven Tuesday morning with a heart thumping so fast I thought it would jump straight out of my chest. My doctor strongly recommended hospital and I shuddered at the thought.
Luckily Lucy and Tomas are back from France for a few months and are more than happy to stay with the kids. Jonnie stayed the two nights with me as I was released Thursday! They don’t know why my heart was racing and after countless scans and twenty four hour observation, they let me go as all is normal again thankfully.
Some nurses and doctors in the hospital don’t seem to know how to speak to me. They have a few different approaches;
1. They address Justine one of my carers instead of me.
2. They address me as if I’m retarded. [excuse non pc word, it’s anger talking]
3. They shout at me as if my ears have been affected too by my illness.
4. They address me with overwhelming pity saying “creatur”ie. you poor unfortunate darling. And they often do this silly looking wave goodbye like you might do to a child.
What I want is to be treated like a normal human being. I believe its my right. It’s such a horrendous illness and it’s hard enough to bear without being treated like some kind of freak.
I get so fed up sometimes. Bored by a Monday to Friday routine that revolves around meals and personal needs. Before I got this condition, I’d spend the minimum amount of time on myself getting up and out in the morning. Now it takes two and a half hours. Soon it’s time for lunch and that takes another two. So by three o’clock when the kids get home I’ve already spent three and a half hours eating! It’s insane, but a fact of my life now that I need to accept. Sometimes on a bright autumn morning I find myself longing for a spontaneous walk in the crisp air. I then console myself with this thought; I see myself as a working mum and imagine if it was so, I wouldn’t have the freedom to go outside whenever I fancied. Same for the school run which I miss terribly, “you’re far too busy for that”, I tell myself. I suppose there’s some truth in it for me. I’m working at being the best mum I can with my obstacles. Being able to welcome them home with a smile is powerful.
I’m fed up too of being tired all the time. It seems I’m constantly in a sleepy state that I cant shake off. It’s not like I can go for a run like the world and it’s mother are doing these days. No, there isn’t any escape for me. I’m doomed to my routine.
My eyes get so sore from staring at a screen all day. By the time Jonnie gets home they’re generally too sore to talk to him and oh I’m eating again!
I just wish for a night off. A break from all of these challenges. Everyone needs a break from their woes. But me, never.
A friend sent me these on Friday and I was giggling to myself all weekend!